This Is Not A Heart

Last Friday, one of our roommates finally came home to take her menace of a cat to the animal shelter. It was an ugly tuxedo cat with an asymmetrical face, golden, beady, demon eyes, and a disposition to pee on everything, pick fights with our other two cats, and make stinky farts. And while our M.I.A. roommate ignored her pet-owner responsibilities, I fed and cleaned up after him. And when the cat ran away, I was elated. And the roommates and I decided if it did come back, we were giving it away. But who would want a cat like that?

I’ll tell you who, my ex. A few months ago he had offered to buy the little shit for $300. And when the time came to find him a new home, I told him.

“Turlough ran away, but if he comes back, would you want him?”

“I’d love to him. I just have to check with my roommate.”

The cat came back the nite before I got dumped, and its habits were worst than ever. We asked our friends, but no one wanted him. Its future in the animal shelter was bleak: it wasn’t cute; it was a tyrant; and it was no longer a kitten. So we placed the cat in a carrier box with a small container of food and waited outside of my ex’s apartment gate. The little shit had shit in its box in the course of the 30 minutes it took to drive there. My car smelled. The cat carrier smelled. And we were waiting and waiting to be let in. And who should come to the gate but Jeremy, his roommate. I turned away, dreading the confrontation, but he was impeccably civil and cordial.

“Hey, how’s it going? Is this the cat?”

“Um, yeah… Is Pip home?”

“Yeah, he’s upstairs. Are you coming in?”

And just like that he let us into the building. I couldn’t believe it. He must have not heard about the cat shit on his front door. And so my bestfriend held the elevator while I deposited the cat in front of his front door. And just like that, we were free. We ran giggling like school girls all the way to my car.

And while I can’t say the cat was covered in shit, because I didn’t dare open the stinky box, I assumed he probably needed a bath, a makeshift litter box, and more food. Their house plants have probably been destroyed by now. And the thought of my ex reckoning with the daily responsibilities of caring for a little bitch with a penchant for urinary territory markings really does put a smile on my face.  Those two bastards deserve each other.

I do, however, feel sorry for his roommate.

Hahaha, Parisa… I like that the “possibly related posts”, at least for me, are “What supplies does my cat need?” and “How to Cat-Proof Your Home.” I hope he reads your blog! He could find some useful tips.

Comment by Taryn 16/11/2009 @ 23:09

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I Love Reading Your Blogs!!

Comment by Nikki 17/11/2009 @ 19:55

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aw how sweet! thank you!

Comment by thisisnotaheart 17/11/2009 @ 20:48

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i merely wanted to thank you for dropping him off; of all the sweet things you did for me this was the best. honestly i believe it was a act of love and kindness; you saved boo’s life and enriched my own. it was a surface level malice but a subconscious benevolence an act of devotion
life and love for you have always known when i looked at him i would remember you. thank you parisa. – pip

Comment by philip 07/05/2010 @ 13:21

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goes to show i’m better than you’ll ever be.
like i said, you two bastards deserve each other.

Comment by thisisnotaheart 17/05/2010 @ 18:43

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