This Is Not A Heart

2 things happened last nite:

Number one, I got a free vibrator. The porn shop down the street from the Stork Club was giving them for free to any girl that came in to check out the erotic art. So I might have a ‘date’ for V-day.

The 2nd thing that happened is epic:

“I think Francis is going to be at this party.”
“How do you know?”
“I swear to god, I’m motherfucking clairvoyant.”
“Really?”
“I’ve told you before, I see things.”
“Sounds like a whole new direction for your blog.”
…
It seemed like a Wholefoods after-hours employee party. Was the ‘employee of the week’ there? I may never know. So of course, I told some girl my ‘Whole Foods story’: “I’ve never met the guy, I’ve said lots of dirty stuff about what I want to do to him on the internet, and he’s recently discovered this. You should read my blog.” Apparently, this was so funny ‘the story’ spread like chicken pox. Everyone was laughing, at me. One girl said, “You know, he’s kinda seeing this girl.” I don’t know. I don’t know the guy. At one point, some girl came up to me and said, “Hey, I heard you have a blog about my boyfriend!” She was all up in my face and shit. I didn’t know what was going on. I felt kind of ‘ganged up’ on. Then she said she was just kidding. It felt weird. Some bitches talking to my roommates asked, “Are you one of ‘the Francis’ girls? You know he’s gay, right?” I also want to add, most of the girls at this party were over weight.

Basically, I just know a bloggable meme when I see one: his name is Francis, he works at Whole Foods, he’s in a band, he wears glasses, and apparently, all of his friends think he’s gay. But this is just a blog. This is not real life. I just write some shit, and some people read it. This is not a diary. The blogosphere and reality are not compatible, I think. And I guess fat girls are bitches because I’m cuter than them.

At some point, I went outside for a cigarette, and Francis showed up. I had a brief awkward conversation with him about how awkward I felt. And then I realized, he’s just a real person with shitty friends. My fantasy is ruined. I Check you out while you check me out has lost its novelty. Bummer. Apparently, some bitches asked my roommate for my URL. Hell fucking yes you’re reading this.

Then I got kicked out. I don’t really know why. I think I hugged some chicks boyfriend, and that wasn’t cool. Woah. Weird people. Whatever bitches, don’t be a dick to someone that knows where you live. Seeya bagging my groceries at Whole Foods!